Let me first tell you that so far today, I have been cast in a TV pilot being filmed in Chicago, two new streams of income appeared in my life and an audition that I didn't submit for came in from a major theatre company. What do you think I am focusing on? I'm focusing on the audition that I just went to and how I feel that I "messed up" or "bombed it."
It's such a tempting road to go down. The road of Beating Yourself Up. It's familiar. Well worn. I know all the twists and turns. But you know what is scarier for me? To actually take care of myself. To walk towards the positive things going on in my life. To care for myself. That's the road of the unknown. That's the Higher Road for me. Sometimes I would just rather go around complaining about everything and play the victim and just go hide from all of the world. That is no longer an option for me. As painful as loving myself can be, it's the best option. It's the one that will land me more roles. It's the option that will give me a chance. Here are my top 5 ways to love myself after an audition:
1. Call someone on MY TEAM
Who is on your team? YOUR TEAM? You know the people you can go to and just say all the crazy things in your head. People who you can trust. That won't judge. In fact, they usually will relate. It took me some time to find these people. To develop relationships and to just trust that they are exactly the people I need.
So after.... wait! ... Before an audition I call someone on my team. I tell them,
"I am going into an audition and that I am committing to experience shame when i come out of it. And that I want to leave all the shame and voices in my head outside the audition room. The shame and judgments and voices will be waiting patiently here when I return. And I will call you when I finish with the audition." This way I have contained the experience. I am not alone in my journey. And what happens is I get to show up more free and loose - because I am showing up as my authentic self.
2. Write Affirmations
The constant babble that goes in my head after an audition is this: You are not good enough. You are too dramatic. You are not good looking enough. You are TOO good looking. You need more scene studies. I am a better film actor (for stage auditions). I am a better stage actor (for film auditions). You were frozen. You voice wasn't deep enough. You had too much emotion. Not enough emotion...the list goes on and on and can continue way into the night.
So I write affirmations. I write positive things about who I am. A lot of times they are borrowed or from others compliments people have graced me with. Other times they are real general. And I just take out a notebook and write one page of affirmations. Maybe one day the affirmations will replace the babble - at least that is my goal.
Here are some you can use after an audition:
I am exactly where I need to be today
I love this journey and love being on this journey
This role or something even better
3. Detach from the Outcome
There are so many variables that go into casting: Hair color, the look, friendships the actor and director may have, the casting director is sick... all of these things are completely out of my control. The success is that I showed up. I showed up as me. And either that is what they want or it isn't. All I can do is show up as a professional and be me. The rest is out of my hands.
What helps me is knowing that with every NO I am that much closer to my next YES!!!
4. Go have FUN
After an supposed "bombing" of an audition - usually I go to the place of Do More. I need to read more plays. I need to memorize something else. Work harder. Do More. Then I go into my cave and just sulk the rest of the day/night.
But I think the best way to take care of myself after an audition is go have fun. Go hang out with people who aren't in the industry. Go to a BBQ. Go create fun somewhere. I think this is part of detaching as well. Go live in the joy. It's just an audition. It doesn't define my worth. There are an abundance of auditions on their way to me. Now go eat Ice Cream.
5. Focus on the Positive Evidence in Your Life
For you I'll give you a little peak into what has been the most powerful tool that I have been using.
At night, I write down all the evidence that my vision as an actor is actually happening. I write down the phone calls, the emails, the submissions, the table reads, the auditions, the compliments. Everyday something is going on in my life and I have the evidence. And the great thing is that everyday more and more evidence continues to show up.
Go ahead: Try it for 30 days. Write only the positive evidence that your acting career is moving forward. And then leave your proof in the comment selections or on my Facebook page.
I LOVE WHO YOU ARE. I LOVE WATCHING YOU ON YOUR JOURNEY. I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE GIVING YOURSELF THIS GIFT OF BEING HERE. YOU ARE WORTHY OF EVERYTHING YOU WANT. THANK YOU FOR SHARING WITH ME YOUR LIFE. YOUR COURAGE TO SHOW UP AS YOU IS SO INSPIRING!!!!!
First thing you see is a headshot of me from 6 years ago. The session consisted of me looking at the camera with one pose. Over and over. Not smiling. It was a little rough. Then I finally smiled.
I was so incredibly excited and scared for this blog. I'm getting ready for another headshot session. So this gives me a chance to show you all these proofs from my last headshot session with Brian McConkey. Looking at them this morning, I kept hearing the voice in my head say, "Who do you think you are? Why are you showing everyone these terrible pictures? Are you really going to show "The Maker" pose?" But if there is one thing I love about this blog - it's an outlet to do scary things. It's lets me really put myself out there. So, YES, voice in my head - I have every right to show these pictures. (They made me laugh this morning as I was looking at them.)
And with every headshot session, there are certain things that every actor has to align. From clothes to haircuts to a photographer. How do I choose the right photographer (I went with Chris Popio)? Do they use natural light? When do I need to shave so that I have just the right amount of stubble?
All these things are ways for me to avoid the actual joy of the upcoming photo shoot. I love to obsess over details. Trying to perfectly lay it out. But where is the room to breathe? Or grow? Or have Fun?
So these are 5 things that have been in the forefront of my thinking. That I am hoping, if I turn over, I can also release them to the universe - and go have Fun in the photo shoot!
1. Pulling Faces
I watch a lot of professional cycling. And when the cyclist has reached the outer limits of their bodies, their faces go from relaxed concentration to mutated agony. They call it Pulling Faces.
Pulling Faces for me, looks like this. I am standing on a corner and I jump into this imaginary photo shoot in my head. I tell myself that if I tilt my head, relax my eyes and half smirk - it will be the best headshot ever! Or I'll be in the car and catch myself in the rearview - intense eyes, hair slightly messy, sunlight in the stubble - Golden! I create all these looks that I think be will what "they" want.
But Pulling Faces, doesn't include Chris and his camera. It doesn't include our relationship. So what can I do to just show up as me? Maybe first I could leave my ego outside. Trust that Chris is the person perfect for me, to see Me. Believe that I am enough. That seems the most powerful and scary - That I am enough. Not any certain head tilt or eye gaze is going to perfectly embody me - just me being me is going to embody Me.
Allowing myself to purchase clothes this round, instead of just going to the thrift store was a huge step for me. Mind you, I still have the tags on the clothes. But to give myself permission to buy new clothes for the photo shoot was a huge step in progress.
I also had a plan. I got outside help from Marie P Anderson of Agency Galatea, who had given me a list of colors and styles to work with. And talking with Chris during our consultation also helped. Plus I bookended the purchases of the clothes with my friend Jimmy, calling him before and after. So I could leave the shame outside in the parking lot. The voices that told me that I can't afford this - even though the money was there. I took in a lot of help. In the past, I have even had someone with me as We shopped (Thanks Dawn!!).
Get support! Take the support! Leave the voices in the car.
3. Body Image
Mirrors. Mirrors. Mirrors. My mind is a little crooked around my body image. One moment I can look at myself in the mirror and see a healthy stomach. The next I have let my stomach grow into a huge mound. My arms go from flabby to toned to skinny in a blink of an eye. My face is retaining water - to my face is red and veiny - to my face is a wrinkled scarf.
What is the truth? Who do I believe? If I was to go to someone and ask them to tell me the truth of what they see: I seriously doubt I could hear their description of what they said, unless it was that I was fat and out of shape.
If I have learned anything over the last few years and hours and hours of therapy - is to not listen to those voices. It's not true. So what can I do in my lead up to the photo shoot? Not look in the mirror? OR - what about exploring the gentle voice of love and compassion? That maybe my body is exactly what casting directors are looking for! That this is a HEADshot not a BODYshot. That however I show up is exactly right for this time and place.
What haircut do I want to have for the next two years? If I cut my hair this way, will it be versatile enough? Is this haircut me?
What is fascinating to me, is that as an actor I want to be seen. I want people to notice me. I want to be the center of attention. But what counters that is the desire to hide. To blend into the background. To be invisible. To be small. It's a war inside my head. I also recognize from experience, that as soon as the headshots are done, I will feel "trapped" into this haircut for awhile. I just tell those voices - thank you for sharing.
Instead of listening to my thoughts, I put my haircut into other people's hands. Marie and I discussed an All-American look. We found pictures. I sent those pictures to Ludwig - my hair stylist. Then I try to let go. I cut my hair seven days before the shoot. All I need to do is show up to the shoot with clean hair and let the rest just happen.
5. Showing up as My Authentic Self!
The day of the shoot - this Friday - I plan on going for a long run that morning. My game plan is to come in a little tired physically. My theory is that it will relax me. That I will get out of the way. Using that cool running buzz to just chill my way into the session. I know that I will have enough nervousness and excitement and coffee running in my veins. I also plan on writing out some affirmations for myself. Part of my inside work. Just reaffirming the progress I am making with my acting career in getting new headshots. And then - Just Show Up! Be Me! Have fun! Dance! Laugh! and interact with where my life is taking me.
I love where you are going with your life. I love how you show up each day. I love who you and where you are at in your journey. I honor the courage it takes to just be you. The courage to truly make yourself vulnerable to the world. And I am here to say - You are Worthy of the Life you Crave!!!
Ryan David Heywood is an actor and writer and the creator of the The Self-Loved Actor Workshop.
Are you a Self-Loved Actor? Some insights on taking care of the actor and the person....